Orlando
What a mess. What a complete, awful mess. I have so many different feelings about what happened. From sadness, to anger, to fear, to hate, to love and back again. I just can’t imagine what it must have been like for those people on that fateful morning.
You see, I’ve pretty much grown up in gay clubs. I remember the first time I visited one. I was 16 and my friend, who was a local “celebrity”, was thrilled to be my initiator. It was the Odyssey in Vancouver. Oh what memories were made there over the next several years! I remember driving into Vancouver from Langley…about a 40 minute drive….that first time with my friend with such anticipation! Such anxiety of not knowing what I was going to see…..fear of being “found out”…..and, don’t even get me started on the religious guilt I battled…..but, mostly filled with excitement!! I can replay the whole conversation on the way and every moment of that night in my head. She must have thought I was a nut job with all of the questions I was throwing at her. “How should I act”? “Are they going to like me”? “What does a drag queen look like”? “Are they going to let me in”? Omg I was SO nervous!! She proceeded to calm my nerves and give me assurance that everything was going to be fine and to stop worrying! “Just be yourself” she said.
We arrive. It took a bit to find parking and I remember sitting in the car once we did, freaking out, unsure of whether I could actually bring myself to go inside! It looked massive and there was a huge line outside….which she assured me “you’ll never have to wait in that line honey. Just watch”. I’ll never forget walking up to the door. My heart in my throat, my ears immediately tuned into the muffled dance music seeping through the walls, my palms sweating. She had prepped me in the car to just “let her do the talking”, “act normal” and once we were inside to just “be yourself and have fun”! I remember asking her “are all of those people gay?” as we walked from the car to the club. She assured me that, “yes, of course silly” “and if they’re not, they’re friendly”. She whisked me around the line, directly to the door where the ENORMOUS bouncer proceeded to give her the biggest hug I had ever seen. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was perfect. Muscles in places I had never seen before, big, friendly beautiful eyes that sparkled when he spoke and to me he seemed 10 feet tall. Omg I had died and gone to heaven. If this was the keeper of the gates, I couldn’t IMAGINE what must be inside!! She introduced me as her “newbie” and I’ll never forget what he said. He looked at me with those amazing eyes, smiled and said, “Relax. They’re gonna love you.” WHAT?!? OMG. My nerves were shot. Completely. Shot. Not only had I just been introduced to the most gorgeous specimen I had ever seen in my life but, all of the people in line were staring at us. Some knew my friend and were trying to ride her coat tails in, others were laughing and smiling…I’m sure because it was apparent this was my first rodeo..and others were obviously pissed that we were cutting the line. He opens the door, we go through the coat check area and she opened the next door that exposed the club. I died. The music hit me in the chest, the smoke filled dance floor that was overflowing with shirtless gods took my breath away and the smell of boys/beer/alcohol made me high. Sensory. Overload. It was packed and she whisked me through the crowd, hugging, kissing and introducing me to what seemed like a million people on the way. They were all so happy!! She took me to the back bar to “her” bartender….who would become one of the biggest influences in my life when it comes to “gay culture” and bartending. He. Was. BEAUTIFUL! Again, I died. Muscles everywhere and that smile!!! Where did all of these boys come from and why is everyone so hot?!? He was sass for days. After he leaned across the bar to give my friend a kiss…….what was this double kiss thing?!…he goes…and I will never forget….”who’s this creature you have”. She introduced me, I went to shake his hand, he laughed out loud and pulled me against the bar and planted a big, wet kiss on my lips. Again, I died. “No doll, we don’t shake here, we kiss”. We moved from the bar…after doing several shots….and moved our way to the dance floor. The dance floor there was sunken and there was a railing along the one side of it where you could peruse the goings on and a long narrow stage on the other side that people danced on. She had my hand and insisted on going straight to the dance floor. I wanted to watch first, to figure out what I was supposed to do, but she wasn’t having it and before I knew it, I was in a sea of shirtless boys, men, club kids, freaks…my eyes couldn’t even adjust to all that they were seeing. From that point on, the rest of the night is kind of hazy…until I met my first drag queen. Oh. My. I was immediately star-struck. Who was this person?!!? Larger than life, gorgeous and it seemed everyone in the world knew who she was!! And she was talking to me!!! I must have been a blubbering IDIOT but, she gave me her phone number and would also quickly become another huge influence in my life. I remember feeling so incredibly happy…..so free….people danced with me, laughed with me, it was heaven. There was a distinct moment when I looked around and had the most incredible feeling of love and acceptance sweep over me and I knew I was home.
The rest of my single life was spent in gay bars and clubs. Either working, or just going to be amongst like-minded people. Friends. Chosen Family. From Vancouver, to New York, to Seattle, to Miami and back to NYC, these places have been my sanctuary. These are places I went to to get away from discrimination, from being called faggot, from the voices in my head that told me I was somehow unclean, a lesser human, from the feelings of guilt for simply being who I am….to just be me. There was never once in all of my years of going out that I felt unsafe. In fact, they were the places that I felt the MOST safe in life. My refuge from all that was wrong in my life and the world. The dance floors became my release…my own heaven. I know it is the same for most other young, gay people trying to find their voices. Trying to figure out life and where they fit in.
Those of you on the “outside” don’t understand the importance of these places to us, especially our gay youth, and thus, don’t understand the magnitude of how this has shaken up our community. Especially in Orlando, but also, world wide. You see, though things have improved over the last few years….and that’s even a stretch these days….we still live our lives in a state of reserve. Whether consciously, or not. Reserve because, we have to question whether or not we can hold our partners hand in public or whether we will be accepted when we walk into whatever venue life brings us to. Reserve because, when people laugh, point or blatantly curse us and belittle us, we have to decide whether or not to ignore it, or confront it. This is everywhere. Everyday. So when this happened, in our place of sanctuary, it violated the whole community. Emotionally, physically, psychologically.
The worst part now is watching how people react because it reflects where our society is. Regardless of how you feel about the LGBTQ community, these were human beings. My brothers and sisters. It’s amazing to me that, after the Paris tragedy, people changed their profile pictures to the French flag without second thought in support of the victims and their families. People were quick to get on board with the “we stand with” after London, Boston, Brussels, Sandy Hook and San Bernardino. Where are they now? Silent. How is this any different and why is it so hard for people to show support and solidarity for these victims and their families? I’ll tell you why. It’s because, regardless of how you think you feel, the LGBTQ community is still considered “fringe”. We’re still on the “outside”. We still have an “agenda” that you all are so afraid of. To the point where, now there are all kinds of conspiracy theories being posted about this tragedy, one of which implies that it didn’t actually happen and that it’s all “distraction” and part of the “agenda”. Really?! This, again, is what is wrong with the world. Instead of mourning a horrible tragedy, people are trying to belittle it and twist it into something different than what it is. A disgusting MASSACRE of innocent people. I don’t really care if this person was Muslim or not. This was a hate crime. Period. He was a home grown, unstable person who heard too many times that we, the LGBTQ community, are worth less. Whether it came from his religion, or from the so-called political leaders who constantly fight against our rights as human beings. Leaders who publicly declare us unfit as parents and not worthy of marriage. By so-called religious “leaders” who spout from their pulpits that we are an abomination. That we should be put to death. Pastors who publicly CONDONE this act as an act of purification. THAT is what is wrong with the world. Is it only the “extremists” who perpetuate this hate? No. If you helped vote a politician in who stands against gay marriage, you’re part of the problem. If you don’t like seeing two people in love holding hands or kissing in public, you’re part of the problem. If you think that we are sinful and need to be “saved”, you’re part of the problem. If you think trans people are child predators, you’re part of the problem. If you refuse to do business with a person of the LGBTQ community, you’re part of the problem. If you use slurs against gay people, you’re part of the problem. If you think we are unfit to be parents and shouldn’t be able to adopt, you’re part of the problem. It’s not just the horrific acts of violence, but also daily decisions made that perpetuate hate. Businesses that cower under this “freedom of religion” law are first and foremost on the battle grounds because it’s not used as your “freedom of religion” it’s used as your right to hate and discriminate. Imagine if one of these holier-than-though “christians” were to be turned away from a business because of their beliefs. All hell would break loose. This happens EVERY DAY, in so many different ways, to the LGBTQ community and you wonder why we get angry.
So, you’ll pardon me as I still try and figure out how to deal with this whole thing while you gently sweep it under the carpet and wait for it to go away. You’ll try and understand why it is we all feel so violated because of it. But, one thing I know is that we, as a community, use these things to make us stronger. Don’t be surprised when we become louder and prouder because of it. Don’t be surprised when we come for your guns. Because we will. There’s not a viable reason on this earth for these automatic ASSAULT rifles to be available…let alone legal. Don’t be surprised when we start pushing back harder against the religious right. Don’t be surprised when we get laws passed that will actually help make this world a better place. You’ll thank us….eventually. #weareorlando
My Mind Odyssey 
This was beautiful and so raw. Im so proud of you Luke, for using this blog as an outlet for your pains and frustrations of the world… and for sharing them with us, your followers. You are a beautiful soul, and you deserve nothing but happiness in your life. You and Billy (loverhead) have more love in your marriage, than most people could dream of. Be grateful for what you have, and be proud of the life you have built. Love always wins. ❤