Chapter 4

And so it was. And so it remained. There wasn’t really any order, or method, or time these things happened. I think at some point I just got used to it. I learned that, in all of my struggle to try and find acceptance somewhere, anywhere, if I were to manage any, it was with my perpetrators. Sick. But true. Especially the original one as he was older and a master of mind control. He would always call me “God’s Chosen Child” and that there was no one else as “special” as I, thus being the recipient of his perversion. Why would I doubt him?

I’m not sure when but at some point a “relationship” started with another one of the older boys. Again, I don’t know how old he, or I, was at the time but if I were to guess, I would put him at 16 or 17 and me, probably 7 or 8. The first interaction with him that I remember was in a hayloft in the horse barn. My brother and his friends used to build forts in the hay bails and, if they, mainly my brother, had been forced to have me tag along with them, I would find out where they were. I found myself alone with this particular person and, in trying to be “cool” I told him I knew about these forts and asked him if he wanted to see them. Of course, unbeknownst to me, he was another predator. Yes, that beacon I mentioned earlier was in full effect apparently. When we had crawled through the hay tunnels and reached the fort, he turned on his “charm”. He however, approached it a whole different way. It was not violent….it was almost as if he knew what had been occurring and used it to his advantage. He talked about sex…..like it was food…..he made it seem different then the others……like it didn’t have to be forced….like it was my choice….like I wanted it. Looking back at it, it was probably the sickest thing ever. He showed me everything about every part of a mans body there is to know and made me feel like he was protecting me against the “others”. I fell for it. Huge. He became my boyfriend. Every chance we got, we would sneak away somewhere. My parents weren’t a fan of the family from what I remember so sleep overs weren’t allowed….often. There was one day, herding the goats, that him, his brother and his dad…..his dad creeped me out…a weird thing given all that was going on but, I distinctly remember him as creepy……and, while way out in the field that day, my “boyfriend” brought his brother into the scenario. Their dad was on the other side of the herd doing whatever it was he was doing (I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he knew what was going on) and thus began an afternoon of playing doctor. Again, he had an amazing way of making this seem normal. It was not violent, or forced….at least at the time I didn’t think it was forced but in retrospect I was being mind fucked as well as everything else……he sat opposite, masturbating, while his brother lay “hurt” on the ground and gave me instructions as to how to “heal” him. So. Twisted. I’m getting angry, really angry writing this because at the time I really thought this person liked me and that makes me heave. Knowing how sick it was and how smart people like him are to so thoroughly mess with a child’s mind. Sick, twisted fucks these people are. That would be the only time his brother was involved. That family didn’t stay very long on the Cult and I remember the day they left. I felt sad because my friend was leaving.

I wanna puke.