So…

There comes a point in life when you are done. Done. When you’ve given and compromised so much that the well has run dry. I’m not saying that it’s some one else’s fault because, after all, it’s up to you to fill the well. I guess what I’m saying is that, when we fall into the abyss and either forget, or lose the energy, or are blindsided by evil, or just lose the moxy to keep fighting, we’re faced with a really, really ugly reality. I’ll be the first to say that, losing a daily ritual of self awareness/improvement is the first step to hell. But. In the same breath I will say that, when kicked in the throat, it’s the easiest thing to let slip. Then, when time knocks, you realize just how far you’ve fallen. Every thing, every one, every situation, every circumstance….now owns you. Latches on and becomes your identity. It just keeps leaching on. On. And on. And on. Mole hills that used to be so easily ignored, now become mountains. Whether it’s an acute awareness of who you are, or a lack of patience due to the emptiness….I have yet to decide. But then you question, is it a lack of patience or a renewed awareness of actuality. Is this darkness actually an illumination of the things that we’ve become complacent to. Is this darkness an underlying glimpse into what is wrong…what needs to be changed in our lives.  Perhaps all of this shit is just handed…rather, thrown in our face because every other method has ceased to bring about change. Perhaps this agony of defeat will be the ultimate radification of our purpose. That’s the optimist part of me speaking. And, let me tell you, it takes every minute, every breathe, every ounce of my strength, every nuance of my being to not let the pessimist speak. Take control. Because, if it does, I might as well kiss this life good-bye. I feel things to strongly. A blessing and a curse. At the end of the day….right now…I’m continually left with the dichotomy of whether to fight or cave. To stay positive because that’s what everyone expects or to actually admit defeat and learn how to recover…..again. I’m so fucking tired of recovering. When does the fight end? When is it my turn to win? Tired. Then, I look around and realize how much I have to be thankful for. Then, I feel bad for feeling the way I do. Then I feel like a loser for feeling the way I do and letting circumstance dictate emotion and then it starts the whole cycle over again. Fuck! Get me off this train! I don’t recall buying the ticket. Refund?