7-31-13

My amazing dog is snoring on the couch right now. Probably my most favorite sound. So content. So happy. Maybe I’m just a wee bit jealous………

I haven’t blogged much recently because I find myself in a bit of a block. I have so many words buzzing around in my head but, whenever I want to start writing, they become a big jumble of nothingness. Perhaps a lot of it is because I’m suddenly afraid. Afraid of sharing too much. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of damaging my perceived reputation. All bullshit, I know but, still…..there it is. Fear. I’m so sick of it. I find myself in a trap of a job, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for my job, but, it’s kind of a dead-end street. Also, as much as I like to think that I’m “stronger” than this, the two-faced monsters, the caddy bitches spewing their judgements, things that are whispered when people think I can’t hear, are slowly taking their toll on me. It’s a struggle, daily, for me, and for most I would assume, to try and stay confident. To try to maintain light, in a world where most prefer their own darkness. In a world where people prefer to cast judgements, ridicule, point fingers, embarrass, laugh at, bully and belittle others instead of trying to uplift and encourage. It’s a fucked up world we live in and it makes me so incredibly frustrated to see this, over and over and over and over. Then, those same people are the first to complain about how unfair the world is and how shitty their lives are, yet, if they would take a moment to dislocate their heads from their asses they might possibly see that they’re the reason why “things” are the way they are. People are so wrapped up their own narcissism to even remotely care about the one sitting next to them. And we wonder why there are so many lost souls wandering this earth. Nobody gives a shit anymore. As long as they’re “happy” and get what they want, who cares what or how the next person is feeling. Such is life it seems.

How amazing would it be if we all redirected our focus from ourselves, to those around us. When was the last time you smiled at the person next to you waiting to cross the street? When was the last time you waited for the person you just said “how are you” to, to actually answer the question? When was the last time you attempted even a “hello” to the person in the elevator with you? A word of encouragement to someone you know is struggling? If I were a betting man I’d say it’s been awhile for most of us. Sad really.

Who knows. Maybe I’m alone in this. Maybe I see things differently and this existence is fine for everyone else. I don’t know. I just think there’s more. Somewhere out there there’s a reason why we’re here. I’ve never really felt like a citizen here, more of a visitor, viewing things from the outside. I’ve got to try and find the place where there are like minds. Somewhere where I don’t feel like such a stranger. A place that challenges and feeds my spirit instead of feeding my demons.